Funny stories in under 500 words.

Weirdest things

This lady takes her car to my business, because it is making a weird noise. She says it is a screeching sound every time she starts the car. I go, “No problem, ma’am, we’ll have set up in a blink” So I get in the car, and before I start the engine, I look around the inside of the car, and what do I see? Tons of porn magazines, lying on the floor of the car, on the back seat, . They’re just everywhere. So, I turn to this very nice old woman who is looking at me through the windshield, she is smiling like the proverbial grandmother. And I’m thinking: “Man, she’s really comfortable with that” Well, I’m not the one to judge. But then, the smell hit me. The atmosphere. Something thick was in the air. Like when you enter a fish store, you just can’t get it off. I look again at the magazines lying around, and I think: “It smell of human love juices in there. It’s gotta be that… oh, shit I’m sitting on them.”

The little old lady is still staring at me through the windshield. Big smile without a care in the world. Nothing in her appearance could speak otherwise; hair tucked up in a bun, old fashioned black dress, black shoes. She was all but missing little querubs flyin’ ‘round her to be one of those images in church. And still the magazines were there, I mean it was an unmistakable fact; there was no way she could have taken those magazines for something else.

“Is something wrong with the car, dear?”

“Oh, no ma’am, not at all… just… eh… adjusting the seat”

“Ok, I’ll just move aside and let you do your work”

I start the car, and yes, there was a distinctly screeching sound coming from the hood. I park the car in the garage. I get out, smelling like a pimp. Now, I’m thinking it must be her son, surely, it’s her sleazy no-good son who just went out on a wild party with some company and busted the car. I’m thinking all this while I lift the hood, and there it was: the source of the screeching sound. A condom was stuck in the alternator belt. This was just just insane. What kind of a sick person did this to his own mother.

“Ma’am, I found the source of your troubles.” I tell her “There was a condom trapped in the alternator band, but don’t worry I have taken care of it. Absolutely, no charge for you. Now, if you don’t mind my sayin’, it would be best that you don’t go around lending your car to nobody. A respectable woman of your age doesn’t need to be exposed to the sort of perversities of younger folks, even if they’re your own children.”

“But, I don’t have any children of my own. And no-one but me drives my car.”

“I-I am sorry, ma’am, I – “

“I’m very sorry about the condom. I’ll try to be more careful next time. Kids, these day, you know. I realize those are a lot of magazines for just one person, but my head hurts horribly when I watch TV; magazines are the best. Don’t you agree?”

“Then she took off. I tell you. That was the weirdest thing,”

Roman R. Orozco (London, 1978) is a writer from Mexico. Has a degree in Communication Studies and a masters degree in Humanities, which enables him to talk about nonsense for hours and get paid for it. He enjoys films and music from all over the world (except reggaeton, he hates the stuff). A year ago he quit his job as a literature teacher and founded with his wife a small company where they do writing, proofreading and translation services. Click here to visit his half-abandoned blog...Hay más cosas >> ,

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