Funny stories in under 500 words.

He Loved Books

How much do you love books? Not as much as Jeffrey Hornsmith. Check out this new story from Dave Woolston about a guy who can't get enough reading.

Jeffery Hornsmith is a well educated man. First a high school diploma, then college degree in botany, and finally a PhD in clinical psychology. Today he fells ill. Okay, he feels fine. It’s only that he needs a sick day to do what he loves best.

He sits on the toilet, deep in thought about the dark brown object in his hands. His nose is buried deep within yet another book. As usual, he has removed the colorful cover and left it lying on the ceramic floor. His wife passes by the open door.

"Seriously?" she says. "Just because we've been married for fifteen years doesn't mean I need to see that!" She pushes the door closed.

He glances up. "What, my reading?"

He ponders weak and weary, recalling the many hours he’s spent reading. Absorbing all that knowledge...one painstaking word at a time. If only there was a better way! His fingers move along the edge of the thick tome, until he pinches the corner of one page. In one downward and swift motion, he rips it from the book and pops it into his mouth. At first dry, bitter tasting, it soon liquefies as he chews and finally swallows.

Something begins to happen. Below yes, but also in his brain. New thoughts appear. Ideas. From where? Yes! They've just been derived from the page he has literally consumed. Actual meaning is now being injected directly into his bloodstream. How could this be? Excited by the possibility, he ingests many more pages. Each one more intellectually fulfilling than the last.

“Honey...are you getting out of there anytime soon?”

Somehow, in the thralls of a massive bowel movement, this trailblazing genius has discovered a new way for mankind to acquire knowledge. “Eureka!” He shouts. Only days afterward, Jeffery Hornsmith dies from an impacted bowel.





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