Funny stories in under 500 words.

Bible Study

Sam and Barbara Geldowski cleared the table of the St. Stan’s basement after the weekly parish Bible Study group, not a difficult task as only three other people attended, so in total they disposed of five Dunkin Donut coffees and a few napkins.

As the co-chairs of the study group, the Geldowskis needed to attract newcomers to pore over the texts of the Old and New Testaments and to justify the outlay of utilities for the weekly meetings. After all, this was a not a book club where every few weeks everyone embarked on reading and appreciating a new author and story, they only had the Bible at their disposal.

Paradise Lost

Barbara, temptress that she was, bit into her McDonalds apple pie and suggested that they delve into the Bible, particularly the sexiest parts, and before long Sam zeroed in on the Song of Solomon, particularly the passage that sayeth “A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a garden locked, a fountain sealed. Your channel is an orchard of pomegranates with all choicest fruits, henna with nard, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes, with all chief spices—a garden fountain, a well of living water, and flowing streams from Lebanon.”

Barbara similarly located salacious text and they competed against each other, orating the Good Book until horniness wreathed them, at which point they ripped off each other’s clothes and did the nasty in the consecrated basement of their Lord. Church Sexton Stormy Branciforte saw this and it was good.

Paradise Regained

Word does not always spread quickly, but it spreads, not unlike some of the Biblical women who highlighted the study sessions which increasingly drew a wider following. One week, while the group studied Sodom and Gomorrah, Sam and Barbara brought in some audio video equipment to show their brethren some taped episodes of the L Word.

Before long, almost every adult inhabitant, and many adolescents in the tiny Town of Hale, undertook a deeper study of the Bible. The Protestants held their own meetings and even the Atheists thought it wise to partake of Scripture.

People stopped working or even observing the basic tenets of hygiene as the obsessively pursued Bible Study. This angered God, so He ratted out to Fr. Stan and Pastor Smith what was occurring in these study groups and told them to put a kibosh on the whole mess. Either that or everyone was going to get zapped.

These religious men went about the business of de-certifying the Bible Study Groups, preaching to their flocks about moderation in all things. The groups broke up and Hale, Connecticut once again prospered under a state of grace, where its inhabitants no longer made damned fools of themselves.

This story was written by Donald Hubbard. He has written six books, one of which was profiled on Regis and Kelly, one was a Boston Globe bestseller and Amazon (category) top ten, and another book went into a second edition. He was also inducted into the New England Basketball Hall of Fame as an author in 2015, and a chapter from one of his books was published in the on-line edition of Notre Dame Magazine. ,

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