Funny stories in under 500 words.

A Stupid Red Cape

Hey, is this your wallet? This funny story was written by Mark Hood, who is a technical writer and an aspiring fiction writer.
I was just getting up and hadn’t even had a cup of coffee when I heard a knock on my front door. It was only 9:30 on a Saturday morning but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door it took me a second to register what I was looking at.

What I had on my front porch was an overweight 40ish bald dude in a sky blue, skin tight nylon body suit, with a stupid red cape. To complete the look he wore a gold waistband and had a vaguely familiar matching logo on his front with the number 7 circled. He was standing there jabbering and smiling with a half-cocked wrist positioned on his hip but I just rubbed my eyes because I knew right away this was no superhero.

I was desperately trying to put all this together and figure out what he wanted so I could focus on my get the hell out of here response, but he just kept talking. I guess I might have mumbled a few choice words about the hour, but I was just feeling terribly disoriented. I was getting ready to slam the door when I suddenly came to understand that numbnuts was asking me if I had lost a wallet. My head hurt, I was standing there in my boxers, green flip-flops, and a ragged brown tee shirt but this guy would not quit jabbering.

Something about a wallet? What was this idiot talking about? He asked "Have you lost a wallet, because I found one in front of your house?” Clearly, I should’ve said "Please go away because you appear to be crazy" but it turns out I played right into his hands. I told him I’d go see if I still had my wallet in my pants. I knew I had my wallet so instead I went and got a cup of coffee. As I was stirring in the creamer I looked out my side window and saw the nut job with the goofy grin was still there. But now he had his back to the door and he was doing some crazy pantomime to an imaginary friend in the street.

So I walked back and opened the door, coffee cup in hand, and I told him I did in fact lose my wallet. I also said I thought I had some money in it. Maybe about 20 bucks. My response seemed to make him almost giddy with delight. Suddenly this pee brain very dramatically swoops the cape over his face like a magician would with a rabbit out of the hat act. Maybe he had it tucked in his waistband because when was done with his little act he hands me a cheap plastic wallet and I’ll be damned if it didn’t have a 20 in it. Then he laughed like he could hardly contain himself. “Have a nice day” he says and rushes off down my sidewalk, cape furling behind him. Strangely only then did I notice a white van with smoked windows following on his heels.

Later that day I was watching some football when my whole life changed. I mean I couldn’t even finish my beer. The TV announcer came on and said “Super Steve, the Channel 7 new crusading man in a cape, begins his quest to find the last honest man in Albuquerque. Story at 10”.

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