Funny stories in under 500 words.

The Ultimate Sandwich

The greatest things in life come at a price, or so I was told. And everybody knows that nothing is as great as a well-crafted sandwich. Anybody who thinks otherwise… well, they’re entitled to their opinion, even if it’s wrong.

I wondered what kind of terrible sacrifice I would have to make for the Ultimate Sandwich. Would it be worth the cost? Would I be willing to pay? And most importantly, would it contain mayonnaise? These questions began to keep me up at night. I could no longer live my simple, ignorant life. I had to find it: The Ultimate Sandwich.

I gave up my career. I sold all of my belongings. I even broke up with my girlfriend. It was cruel, I know, but it was only fair. My heart only has room for one passion, and that passion is finding the divine combination of bread and fillings that will send my taste buds to Valhalla.

I bought a hiking backpack, camping supplies, and two loaves of sourdough for my journey. Within a day of my decision, I left. My search soon led me on a trek through the forests of northern Oregon. As I reached a hilltop, an old man approached me. He had a long, white beard and wore a robe of indiscernible colors.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“Young man, I know of the sandwich you seek. It takes on a different form to all who crave it.”

“Tell me, wise one! Where is this Ultimate Sandwich?” I threw myself at his feet. As I looked up at him, I saw that his robe had taken on the colors of a BLT: My favorite sandwich!

“My son,” He chuckled, “I am the sandwich.” His robe billowed around him, blinding me with its glory. When I regained my vision, I saw an inconceivably mouthwatering BLT flying away with two wings made of lettuce.

I stumbled to my feet and wiped away a tear. The Ultimate Sandwich was slipperier than I could have possibly imagined, more slippery even than the tomatoes between its heavenly bread slices. I clenched my fists dramatically. I would not stop until I tasted it. No, I could not! I retreated into the wilderness, filled with determination.

Regan Chasek is a writer and student from Lincoln, Nebraska. She can be reached at or through Twitter (@reganchasek).

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