Funny stories in under 500 words.

That One Time



It was 3 in the morning when I arrived at that kid’s house. I’d been there every day of the week trying to convince this kid named Jimmy to give me his soul. I stealthily made my way through his house until I reached his room, prepared myself mentally and opened the door. Then I activated my awesome demonic powers and chilled the room. The kid wouldn’t wake up.

“Pssst. Psssst.”

He rolled around and stared at me disinterestedly. Deep down inside he was scared though, he was just acting tough.

“So….uhh what’s up, you gonna give me your soul or what?”

“I already told you no, I don’t know why you can’t just give it up Lucifer,” he answered, all smug like.

“Oh come on…What the hell do you need it for anyway?”

Jimmy looked perplexed as I asked him that. Really, though, what is it that humans do with their souls? Is it like a hat that they only wear on special occasions? I don’t know. I just know that they’re delicious and they fetch a lot of money.

“Wait, aren’t you supposed to offer me money or something like that?”

“Ummm…well…”

I couldn’t just tell him that I was broke; I was pretending to be Satan. Satan is a lot of things but he certainly isn’t broke. Jimmy was staring at me so I had to think fast.

“We sorta…ran out of money…”

“How the hell does Satan run out of money?”

“I mean everyone asks for money, love, fame or other expensive stuff like that so the national bank of hell has, you know, run out of money. We were trying to get a loan from Tartarus but the Greeks aren’t in a good place right now either."

The kid gave me a look as if I was the stupidest thing he’d ever seen. I realized that I had to offer him something.

“I can offer you other stuff like...” I stopped talking and searched around in my pockets. Then I pulled out few things out and looked through them. “I got some coupons for Subway, a gift card for the Nike store and some Pokémon cards.”

He sighed and then dickishly responded, “You’re a terrible devil..”

“Yeah well you’re an asshole..” I muttered.

I decided at that moment that I was going to come clean, “I’m not actually the devil. Please just give me your soul, I know I suck at this but I need the money. I don’t wanna work at the DMV anymore. I’m sorry I lied but I was really nervous and I thought you would give me your soul if I said I was Satan.”

“Whatever, just go away.”

What happened after that? Well, I kicked Jimmy in the nuts, ran away and got really drunk. The next thing I remember is waking up in a playground two days later, covered in tanbark. On the bright side, I no longer work at the DMV, because I was fired.

This story was written by Jan Zepeda, some random guy from Hayward, California.




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