Funny stories in under 500 words.

Matching Wits with a Superhero



Amid unrinsed dishes in the sink and fry pans hanging from hooks, the opening shots of the salvo are fired.

“Tommy,” I say in a tone that is neither confrontational, constipated or one to be ignored.

“Sounds befall my ears. To whom do you address?”

Oh God. Here he goes again. “Who do you think I’m addressing? Is there anyone else in the room?”

“My super x-ray vision tells me there is birdlife, fish-life and several plant species within the dimensions you call a room, with cat-life approaching down the tiled hallway as we speak.”

He’s enjoying this. “Funny,” I deadpan back. “It’s time for your breakfast.”

“I speak not in jest but from the truth and wisdom of one who has dared crossed the rainbow bridge of Asgard not just once but on a great many occasions.”

I round the tea-stained granite benchtop, moving closer for effect. “I’ve heard travel broadens the mind so I’m happy for you. Just don’t try crossing me. School starts in forty minutes and I don’t want you late for the 2nd time this week. Do you want toast or cereal?”

“Toast? Cereal? What is this trickery? These things of which you speak – are they known to me? The Green Lantern wants for nothing but justice for those who have been wronged by the foul misdeeds of common criminals in this fair city.”

“Green Lantern? A moment ago I thought you were Thor!” Hate to admit it, but now I’m enjoying this.

“Alas mere mortal, I am known by many names. My Earth title is Alan Scott but with the aid of my trusty magic ring I transform into my alter ego who pursues a never–ending quest against the forces of evil and crime.”

Time to step it up a notch. “Newsflash genius – all good superheroes need to keep up their strength by eating breakfast. That sound your enhanced sonic hearing can no doubt detect is milk being poured on your cornflakes. Now fly over here and eat it.”

“You try to coerce me with powers too weak and puny to match my own. I am unmoved Earth creature. See for yourself. I am now and always will be the one who controls my own fate.”

“Then you leave me little choice but to use my own superpower,” I say while luxuriating in my own arm-twisting use of the phrase ‘little choice’.

“Ha! Yet more fluffery! What is this so-called power of which you speak mortal? It was but only a moon ago I slayed a creature who shot lasers from its eyes. What limp-wristed threats do you now waste breath on to compel the Son of Odin?”

Time to end this. Now. “Try this one on for size. Unless you move your superhero butt over here this minute and start eating, you can just forget all about having any of your favorite caramel popcorn ice-cream when you come home from school this afternoon.”

“Gee Mum, no need to get nasty. Can I have some sliced banana on top?”

This story was written by Glen Donaldson, who likes to think he would be the first to be offed in a slasher movie.




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2 comments:

  1. From the Directors Cut bonus materials package - this is the deleted ending scene -

    I pause, letting those hard-earned words of surrender, emblazoned upon a hoisted white flag, hang in the air a moment longer. Reaching for a paper towel, I flirt briefly with the idea of forming it into an ornamental origami swan, as I had learnt to do back in the fifth grade. Reason intervenes and I decide this would be not just an overly obvious and somewhat cheesy symbol that peace has been restored but far too time consuming.

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  2. To clarify - although I have always been a fan of the movie actor Charles Bronson, I really do not have a death wish of my own. The one line biography following the conclusion of the story should read - "This story was written by Glen Donaldson, who likes to think he wouldn't be the first to be offed in a slasher movie."

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