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The Bottom Line



In early 1992 during the height of the success of the popular TV show 3rd Rock from the sun, two Martians managed to catch a couple of episodes rebounding off a satellite. They decided that this was an ideal opportunity to infiltrate earth disguised as humans, as nobody would ever suspect real aliens would do something as absurd as that which was taking place on a popular sitcom. They even chose the names of popular TV aliens Mork (as in “and Mindy”) and Marvin (as in “the Martian”). This is their story.

“Mork! Come Quick!”

“What is it Marvin?”

“That human ritual known as payday has arrived.”

“Ah yes. So the humans will all be getting dreadfully sick and fighting each other by early this morning.”

“Yes quite. I bought us a television. I thought we could see what all the fuss is about.”

“Oh what fun.”

“Do you need some help?”

“Excuse me, back on Mars who drives the ship?”

“You.”

“Who fixed it when you spilled something green and bubbly all over the controls?”

“You.”

“That’s right… But yes I do need some help.”

After some time they get it working and turn it on. WWF wrestling is on; they’re in justifiable awe of the insanity and the violence.

“That was amazing.”

“Did you see how they cheered the fellow with no hair who swore a lot?”

“Yes!”

“I have an idea! This is what these gentlemen do for money. It’s their job. If he got cheered and loved so much maybe you should do what he did in your job? What could possibly go wrong?”

So Marvin went to work the next day with the idea to behave exactly like Stone Cold Steve Austin. It did not go well.

“That did not go well. I got my first disciplinary for repeatedly blaring loud music every time I entered the room. Then when the boss was yelling at me I punched her and poured beer all over her. And nobody cheered!”

“Well that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I think it was because she was black.”

“It can’t be. The bald fellow is always beating up that black fellow on our show and everyone cheers. You know the one. He must be a chef because he’s always asking if people can smell what he’s been cooking.”

“Well nobody cheered this time. They let me go.”

“They let you go early? Well that was nice of them.”

“That was what I thought. I had to ask them to explain it. I can’t work there anymore. They terminated my contract.”

“Well why not just say that?”

“Humans are very conscious of their choice of words; they’re very easily offended you see.”

“Fascinating.”

This story is from Conor Miggan, who is living in London but originally from Dublin, Ireland. He's a Nursery Teacher (Kindergarten for my American brothers and sisters). His influences come from all over the place; from Tarantino and Kevin Smith to Steinbeck, Hemmingway and Chandler.
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