Funny stories in under 500 words.

Literally My Life Story

I was literally born with a chip on my shoulder. Lay’s Dill Pickle. The doctors ate it up, literally. My parents at this point already knew they were literally in the deep end with me. It was a water birth. Everything’s been downhill for me since, literally, except for the parts where I went up hills.

My childhood was literally a train wreck. Luckily I survived, but I’ve been scared of trains ever since. Elementary school was a trial by fire, literally, and I got through it with only minor burns. Middle school was literally a whole different ball game: baseball. Though I wasn’t popular in class, I was a hit with the baseball team — literally one time, when the pitcher threw me instead of the ball and the batter knocked me literally out of the park.

High School was literally a different story, so I won’t talk about it here.

When I arrived in College I literally found out I was swimming with sharks. Fortunately, a nice woman heard my screams and pulled me out of the water before the sharks literally had me for lunch. When I looked at the woman who saved me, it was love at first sight — literally because she was blind before we met. We literally fell for each other right then and there, and someone else had to pull us out of the water before the sharks came back. Her name was Elena. She was smart, funny, considerate, and literally radiant — which was helpful when the power went out. Our romance was literally a storm, which drew complaints from those who had to ride their bicycles through our romance on the way to their class.

Elena and I literally tied the knot a year after graduation, and a year later we got married. We rented an apartment on the east side that was literally a hellhole, and I had difficulty gaining meaningful work. In the mornings and afternoons I collected minimum wage literally licking the boots of the literal big wigs. I didn’t have a dollar to my name, thankfully, but still literally only had $269. Elena literally had bigger dreams, so she literally left me.

She was literally the one thing keeping me together, and once Elena was gone my life literally became one bad break after another. And now I’m in a full body cast, with not much hope for survival. I’m telling you all this so that you won’t repeat my mistakes. Instead of living like me, do literally the opposite: be brave, stand up for those who are wronged, make a difference, take pride in yourself, and create something good that wasn’t there before. Do it all with a smile.

Hopefully these last words will help you live a good life. And now mine is over, and it’s time for me to shuffle off this mortal coil — metaphorically speaking, of course.

This story was written by Jordan Moffatt, a writer and improvisor living in Ottawa.


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