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You Want to Sell Me a What?



(70-year-old woman, sitting and reading. Phone rings. She answers.)

Hello.

(pause)

Yes, this is Ms. Idontwantany.

(pause)

Well, I would be fine except I just had foot surgery, I'm drowsy from the anesthesia, and it hurts like hell. I need to go to the bathroom, but it hurts too bad to walk.

(pause)

Yes, sir. I hope I feel better too. Did you want something?

(pause)

What do you have that will make me feel better?

(pause)

You're selling widgets, you say? How will that make me feel better?

(long pause)

It sits on the table and counts to ten if you push a button.

(pause)

What happens if I don't push the button?

(pause)

Nothing. Figures. I know how to count to ten, and I can use my fingers if I happen to forget.

(pause)

Oh, I see. It's for the grandchildren I don't have.

(pause)

Well, I suppose I could have grandchildren someday, right after they figure out how to impregnate a single seventy-year-old woman and have her live long enough to raise children old enough to have grandchildren.

(pause)

Just in case that happens, sonny, how much does your widget cost?

(pause)

$19.99 plus shipping and handling. How much is that?

(pause)

$9.95. So a widget would actually be about $30.

(pause)

And a second widget for only a separate shipping and handling fee.

(pause)

So I could get two widgets I don't need and which do essentially nothing for around $40. Where do you live?

(pause)

That should be downstream from me. I'll make you a deal. I've really got to go to the bathroom no matter how much my foot hurts. I'll send you a load of crap for $19.95. Since your downstream, there will be no shipping and handling. The sewer system will take care of delivery. If you like today's, I'll flush you tomorrow's as a bonus at no charge.

Sonny, sonny--he hung up on me, drat.

This story was written by Debbie Johnson who is a writer, poet, and Disability Advocate. She has written three books, The Disability Experience, The Disability Experience II, and Debbie's Friends. Her poems and articles have been published in numerous literary journals and anthologies. She has a website/blog www.thedisabilityexperience.vpweb.com
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