Funny stories in under 500 words.

The Great Golden Goose

Golden gooses exist.

Or is it geese? It doesn’t matter. Either way, my cousin Bruce didn’t know it then, he bought one last year.

Why? Eggs. The grocery store was much too far, and chickens’ eggs were much too small.

Why a goose? Because where the hell do you buy an ostrich?

After a few months with Gail the goose, Bruce grew disappointed because he did not know that a goose only lays eggs in spring and summer. Should have consulted Wikipedia sooner. Consequently, Bruce grumbled all winter long. Though in fairness, he was going to be that way, goose or no goose. When the icicles first melted, his goose laid its first egg. Bruce danced and marveled at the egg’s beauty, the gold reflection tanning his pale face. Answering a grumbling stomach, he tried to crack and eat, until bending two forks and a knife. It was then that he had it appraised, discovering that the egg was worth more than his home.

Gail continued to lay golden eggs for the rest of that week. On the second week, she not only laid a golden egg but began to speak in ornate English sentences. Bruce took his goose to the carnival, and signed a contract for her to appear. Of course, this was under the condition that Bruce was to accompany Gail at all times while on the tour, and would keep all of the eggs that were laid.

Deal.

So Bruce and his goose went on tour, but the adventure proved ephemeral. The goose kept Bruce up all night yacking. Not harmless chatter, but direct quotes from a billionaire, real estate mogul who was currently running for president. During performances, the goose began proselytizing about making America great again to the crowds under her tent. Ticket sales rose, but the carnival became more of a meeting place for KKK members than a place to enjoy clowns and such. Eventually the carnival owner fired Bruce and his goose. A YouTube video had gone viral, portraying the goose’s rants against African-Americans, Mexicans, gays, women, disabled citizens and Muslim audience members. Bruce attempted to sway the carnival owner, but the owner wasn’t having any of it.

“But sir, she’s just repeating what she’s hearing on TV?” Bruce pleaded.

“I understand. But this isn’t a presidential election. This is a carnival. We have standards,” the carnival owner stated.

Bruce packed their things, and said goodye to the clowns, bearded ladies, and the assortment of freaks and wierdos that he had loved so dearly. When he arrived home, Bruce chopped off Gail’s neck. All the golden eggs in the universe weren't enough to tolerate her nonsense, which ultimately had created a wall between them.

This story was written by Donald Hubbard. He has written six books, one of which was profiled on Regis and Kelly, one was a Boston Globe bestseller and Amazon (category) top ten, and another book went into a second edition. He was also inducted into the New England Basketball Hall of Fame as an author in 2015, and a chapter from one of his books was published in the on-line edition of Notre Dame Magazine.




No comments:

Post a Comment