Funny stories in under 500 words.

The Paper Boys



In the summer of ’54, five boys named Billy, Sam, Sal, Myron and Earl met at the baseball field every morning after finishing their paper routes. Each boy was 11 years old and attended St. Agnes. Like clockwork, they rolled up to home plate on their Schwinns. They discussed why they get up in the morning and what motivates them to deliver exceptional service.

Sal kicked things off.

“My lady, Mrs. Unger (there’s no holding back with these boys, and they do not discriminate against married women) bakes me macadamia nut cookies and serves them to me on a red plate, which coincidentally matches the underwear she was wearing this morning!”

“Yeah?” says Earl. “Well, Miss Kalinowski broke off her engagement with her Marine after I started coming around. His freshly starched uniform is no match for the way I crease and fold her daily news and deliver it to her milk chute!”

“That ain’t nuthin!” Billy says. “Mrs. Vortik lets me put her newspaper in the apron so I don’t have to climb her porch. My chain popped off this morning, and while I was fixing it she came out and bent over to get her paper. She was wearing a bra just like the ones in the Sears catalog, only better!”

Sam admires Miss Delveccio because of her slender, long legs. Plus their hands touched last Friday when she was paying for her subscription!

“Gentlemen, gentlemen. These are all lovely tales, but nothing’s gonna top what I have here today!” says Myron. “You know how I’m always going on and on about Miss Little?”

“Yes, Myron. What didn’t she do but you’re going to tell us she did anyway?” asks Earl.

Myron took out a piece of paper from his pants pocket.

“This right here is a bona fide love letter from the one and only Miss Little, hand-written and dipped in perfume -- Max Factor’s Hypnotique if my sense of smell doesn’t deceive me.”

“Read it!” the four boys demanded.

“Okay, but I must warn you, it contains material that may not be suitable for young listeners!”

“JUST READ IT!”

“Young man. Thank you for the special care you give when delivering my newspaper. I appreciate your punctuality and courteous ways. Sincerely, Miss Little. 548 Brighton Street. She even dotted the i in Miss with a heart!”

“Let’s see that!”

Myron hands Billy the letter. The boys lean in for a closer look.

“That’s not a heart, you idiot! She drew it wide,” says Billy.

“That’s a heart! I know what a heart looks like!”

The boys argued well past breakfast. When Billy’s mom came looking for him, they scattered to their homes for an afternoon of daydreaming. They would meet again tomorrow, like they did every day that summer, to unveil new stories. But one thing about these boys was true. Never had we seen so many young men in one place so ambitious about their work!

This story was written by Mike Sajovie writes, who is from Cleveland, Ohio. He posts new and original stories every month at mikesajovie.com >>




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