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The writing process

funny short story: The writing process


Let’s see, I’ve got my snacks, my expensive coffee, my sweatpants of shame, and a solid Internet connection. I’ve definitely got everything I need to write this story. Now, what was the assignment again? Maybe if I stare at it blankly for a few minutes, I’ll be inspired.

…Nope, that didn’t help. I still have no idea what to write. Maybe I just need some music to motivate me. I’ll pull up Youtube. Oh shit, the front page has a picture of the theme song of “Friends” but all the actors are replaced with hamsters. I can’t pass up this opportunity. Ok, I just watched 45 minutes of irrelevant animal videos. I need to get my life back on track. Where was I? Oh yeah, some motivational music. “Gangster’s Paradise” should get the creative juices flowing. Dammit, all I did was dance aggressively at my desk.

But look! I’ve written three sentences! Thirty-four words, and the assignment is around 500. I’m like 1/14 of the way there. I should reward myself for my progress by taking a Facebook break. Oh look, Cheryl and her fiancé broke up again. I’m sure they’ll get drunk and make up soon. Get your shit together, Cheryl.

Oh crap, I should be writing. I’m glad this client isn’t paying me by the hour. I’m 150 words in now. I’ve gotten as much as I can squeeze out of the introduction, so I guess I should move on to the nitty gritty. Oh crap, I need to do research. This is going to be an ordeal. All right, Google, I’m going in. Sweet, I found some good sources and only got distracted seven times. Go, me! I just got a text from one of my friends. How dare you text me, friend? Don’t you know I’m a busy woman? Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to at least read what they sent:

“Do you want to go get ice cream?”

Of course I want to go get ice cream! Who do you think I am?

Let me just save this document so I can finish it later. Two hundred words, and it only took four hours. I’m such a productive writer.

This story was written by Melanie Mann, who can be contacted at Melanie.mann@selu.edu.
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