Funny stories in under 500 words.

Cafeteria Fish

funny short story: Cafeteria Fish

“Finally, lunch time.”

Bob gets up from his desk, headed for the cafeteria. His stomach rumbles loudly as he rushes to get the good stuff before it’s gone. Kicking open the door, the overwhelming smell of fish surrounded him like he was in the middle of an ocean of rotten tartar sauce and death.

As hungry as he was, he breathed through his mouth until he could get away from that sickening smell.

Bob snatched a chicken sandwich and strolled out to a deserted park. Enjoying the fresh air, Bob sits in a random bench and wonders how someone can treat good fish so badly.

“Maybe they were naughty fish,” he joke to himself.

Unwrapping the yellow paper around sandwich, Bob notices someone walking up in his direction. It was a homeless person.

“I’m surprised the government hasn’t yet taxed these bums,” Bob thought to himself.

As the homeless person approached, Bob did the usual drill, removing a Lincoln from his wallet. Lifting the paper, the derelict turns down the money, to Bob’s, and perhaps even’s God’s, surprise.

“Nah. Money is the root of all evil, man,” the man spoke through yellow teeth.

“A wise bum. Interesting,” Bob thought. Bob puts the bill back in the wallet and opens his mouth for a bite as the bum offers him his hand.

“I’m Rich. Nice to meet you!” the man sad, extending a dusty hand.

“A wise bum named Rich. The Lord certainly has a sense of humor,” Bob thought to himself.

“I’m Bob,” he said, shaking Rich’s hand with hesitation.

Bob takes a bite from the delicious sandwich, feeling sorry for the poor bastards who accepted fish into their lives.

“You know what’s funny? The amount of junk they put in that sandwich, man. You think you’re eating ham or chicken or whatever, and there’s a bunch of leftovers and intestines and non-organic stuff! Believe me, man. That’s bad for you!” Bob said.

Rich’s words distracted Bob, who not really sure what Bob expected him to do with that information. Bob decides just takes another bite, just as delicious as before Rich chimed in.

“It’s the government’s fault man!” shouts Rich into the open air.

“You are the government’s fault, man” thinks Bob to himself.

“They feed us bull crap every day. Literally!” Rich laughs, “And we just can’t say no. We’re doomed, man.” Rich shakes his head with his eyes on the sandwich.

Bob wonders what the bum actually wants. “Maybe some company,” Bob thinks.

“But… are you going to eat that whole thing?” Rich asks Bob with trained puppy eyes.

“Do you like bull crap?” says Bob ironically.

“Only when I’m hungry, brother,” Rich says.

With a grin, Bob hands him over the sandwich. Rich takes it, thanks Bob and quickly devours it.

“Fish it is for me, then,” Bob thinks.

This story was written by Pedro Rompante. 

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