Funny stories in under 500 words.

The Dead Bedroom

This is about two aliens trying to get it on, and was written by Melanie Mann, who can be contacted at funny short story: the dead bedroomXoloitzcuintli was losing patience as her husband, Vorsnuk, took his sweet time tying his bowtie.

“I know you’re stalling on purpose,” she said. “I don’t care if you hate Planet 1534. We’re going to be late to our counseling appointment.”

Vorsnuk sighed and finally stepped onto the transporter. There wasn’t enough humidity on this planet. It was difficult for him to breathe without enough moisture for his skin to absorb. By the end of the session, Vorsnuk’s skin would be dried and cracking. Of course, Xolo could never understand his discomfort. Her body flourished on Planet 1534. Her species was photosynthetic, and this planet was so close to the sun. Lately, Vorsnuk was forced to admit that their species difference was causing more than just a few problems. Despite his reluctance, he was glad they were going to marriage counseling.

“It’s nice to see you again,” said Dr. Jasdfklj. “Did you work on what we talked about last session?”

“Yes,” said Xoloitzcuintli. “We tried to explore the orifices on each other’s bodies to see what interactions between our bodies caused pleasure. It… didn’t go as planned.”

“One of Xolo’s claws got stuck in one of my pores,” said Vorsnuk. “It tore open, and now I have an infection.”

“Before that, Vorsnuk got a little too excited and placed his sexual organ into my spore sac,” added Xoloitzcuintli. “All of my children died.”

“That’s completely normal,” said Dr. Jasdfklj. “When two species with incompatible sex organs are married, it takes a while to find what works for you. Trial and error is a big part of developing a healthy sex life. Let’s process what happened. Vorsnuk, how did you feel when Xolo accidentally hurt your pores?”

“Um… Infected,” said Vorsnuk.

Suddenly, Xoloitzcuintli burst into weird, alien tears.

“We’ll never be able to have sex!”

Their counselor stammered, “Uh, I can write you a prescription. Would that make you feel better?”

After the session was over, the couple was transported home in silence. Seeing his wife in such distress caused Vorsnuk great pain. He wrapped his tentacle around her talons and gazed lovingly into her eyes.

“Do you remember when we first met?” said Vorsnuk. “We were pioneers of the interspecies marital rights movement in college. Our university was so conservative that even our letter-writing campaign was shut down by administration. You got so frustrated that you snuck into the university president’s office and expelled waste all over his desk. That’s the woman I fell in love with. We got married because we knew that even though our bodies were different, our souls were the same. Even now, your joy is my joy, and your sorrow is my sorrow.”

Vorsnuk wiped away his wife’s tears.

“Tell me, my love, what can I do to stop your pain?”

“We can try… trial and error,” said Xolo. “I don’t care if it hurts. You are worth it.”

And with that, the couple entered the bedroom, satisfied that everything was going to be just fine.


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