Funny stories in under 500 words.

God's Vests

funny short story: god's vestsCounting the few remaining quarters on his desk, Father John became very pleased with the amount of money donated to his church.

“This has been an incredible year. Finally! People are giving enough support to our church, allowing us to continue to do the Lord’s work,” he declared.

Even after Father John budgeted for the church building, the staff, and doubling their usual donations to the local charities, there was still a considerable amount of money left over. He could have saved the money, but Father John decided to please the church’s generous contributors with a special cruise down the local river. Not only would this gesture show appreciation for their delightful generosity, Father John knew the investment would pay in dividends for next year’s contributions.

When the day of the cruise arrived, anybody who was anybody made an appearance. The event was not ostentatious, the boat itself showing a little wear from age. This setting that made only made the guests feel better about their donations, who had become bored with ostentation anyway. As the guests boarded the ship, Father JohA n began to thank everybody for their donation. A few naysayers whispered that their money could have been better spent, but everyone agreed that it was nice of the church to treat them every once in a while.

The festivities continued without a hitch, until water started to slowly flood the floor of the ship. Generally unnoticed at first, the unwanted guest rose to the guest’s ankles, sabotaging the entire event. Without a word, the captain appeared on the deck with a vest on, and the guests watched in horror as he jumped into the river. The hodgepodge of rattling wine glasses and boisterous laughter deteriorated into a collective scream. The fine suits and dresses were soon adorned with orange life vests, as every person lined up to abandon the ship.

Every person, except Father John.

With everybody jumping overboard to save themselves, Miss Claire, a mogul of the grocery industry, asked why Father John didn’t want a vest to save his life.

“God will save me. God will keep me from drowning.”

Father John closed his eyes in prayer, the racket of people replaced by the splash of the river. Moments later, the ship sank, and Father John passed away.

Upon reaching Heaven, Father John was confused. God had abandoned him. After giving his information at the gate to St. Peter, Father John found Jesus, who His Father to have a word with the priest.

God soon rolled up on his golden Segway.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Lord,” said Father John, eyes wide from His spectacle. “If I may ask, why didn’t you save my life in that sinking ship? I prayed and prayed and prayed, and have been your humble servant my entire life.”

“Didn’t I put enough vests in the closet?” God said.

This story was written by Pedro Rompante ,

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