Monkey business

funny short story: monkey business

Chip, Dale, and Bob sat patiently on a branch opposite Benjamin, their father. The boys dripped with sweat from the damp heat of the jungle. What, you didn’t know monkeys could sweat? Well, believe it.

The monkeys waited anxiously for Benjamin to speak, bouncing up and down like children restraining themselves in a candy store.

“Ok,” Benjamin said, pacing up and down the branch. “I know you are all anxious to hear why I’ve called this meeting. I can see that, because of how sweaty you are.”

It was quite an unusual circumstance for Benjamin to call a meeting. The three monkeys had all grown up to leave this part of the jungle, so their relationship had been reduced to holiday visits and funerals. Except for the youngest, Dale, who was a bit of a momma’s boy. And, since monkeys don’t celebrate holidays, the brothers were wondering why mother wasn’t present.

“On with it old man, we haven’t all day,” said Chip, the oldest.

Benjamin slapped Chip in the face with his tail. Chip loaded his hand with poo to return a nasty volley. However, winding his pitch, Chip felt a slight burn on his retina. Benjamin’s eyes were drawing more water than all of the sweaty monkeys in the jungle, and reflected a light directly onto Chip’s face. Chip dropped the poo, realizing this was no time for monkey business.

“I have terrible news,” whimpered Benjamin. “Your mother broke her back.”

In a moment of shock, Chip covered his mouth, Dale covered his ears, and Bob covered his eyes. Benjamin clapped his hands and cleared this throat to regain all of their attention.

“Your mother broke her back,” Benjamin said. “And I want to know which one of you shit throwers stepped on a crack.”

Benjamin stared each of the brothers in eye, pausing at each eye for a 5-Mississippi to search for any sign of guilt.

“It wasn’t me, dad. All of my feet are hands!” Dale exclaimed.

“It couldn’t be me, dad. I live in the trees. There’s no cracks to step on in the trees!” Chip explained.

Benjamin stroked his chin, waiting for Bob to say something.

“I…I don’t know? I’m not really paying attention when I’m running around.” Bob said with a broken heart. “Did I break my mother’s back?”

Benjamin squinted, and asked Chip and Dale to leave them in private without getting too far away.

“Yes... son. I know it was you who stepped on the crack, and broke your mother’s back. Let’s just say, there’s no way it could be your brothers,” Benjamin whispered.

Bob wasn’t the sharpest banana on the banana tree, so it took a second to realize what Benjamin meant.

“Dad! I can’t believe it!” Bob yelled, “How could you do that to mom?”

“I know, I know. But you broke her back!” Benjamin retorted.

It didn’t take long before a deal was struck. Both Bob and Benjamin would keep their mouth shut about the shenanigans, and figure out a way to blame it on Dale. Which, they reasoned, served him right for being such a damn momma’s boy.

This story was written by David Gregory, creator of this website. Comment with your thoughts below!
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