Funny stories in under 500 words.

Wolf



The bar was fairly crowded, so I had to weave my way to get to my usual seat. It wasn’t taken, but the other chair that sat by the side of the table was occupied by a man who looked as if he hadn’t had a bath for a while. Or a shave, come to think of it. Still, I’d sat on that table for the last thirty years so I wasn’t going to let a bit of company bother me. I sat down, nodded and said ‘Hi.’

"Hi," came the reply.

"New to town?" I asked, examining the man closely. Everything about him screamed "forester," from his green-and-brown garb to his hunting knife stuck into the thick belt he wore.

"Yeh," he said. "I just got in; got fed up with all the hunting. Too many damn wolves."

I nodded sympathetically.

"Yes that makes it harder." He raised his eyes at that.

"You don’t know the half of it," he said, "shall I tell you?"

I looked around as I nodded, pleased to see that the barman had sent my usual with a barmaid.

"Okay. It’s a long story. Begins with a woman; an old woman to tell you the truth. She lives in the middle of the forest, so I check on her from time to time. Why, I don’t know; she chose to live there."
"I suppose you’re just a nice guy."

He gave a short, hollow laugh.

"You tell that to the wolf"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Why? Did you hurt it?"

Another hollow laugh.

"Hurt it? If you call ripping its stomach open with a knife hurting, then I think you could say that I hurt it."

"You hurt it."

"I did. Do you want to know why?"

I nodded. I was curious, and besides, there was nothing else to do other than drink my drink, which had been deposited near my elbow by the barmaid, before hurrying back as fast as she could.

"Because he’d eaten the grandma. And actually, although I didn’t know it, he’d eaten the little girl as well."

Now I was really curious, as I hadn’t met them yet.

"So what happened?" I asked. "You ripped it open and then what happed?"

"That was the rummest thing of it all. They were both alive. He’d swallowed them whole for some reason or other, and they’d somehow managed to keep breathing. I couldn’t believe it." He shook his head. "‘It was un-be-leivable. I was so surprised, I even gave him a piece of advice."

"Oh," I said, once again curious; "what did you tell him?"

"I told him to chew his food before swallowing."

This was undoubtedly a good piece of advice, I had to admit. I wondered how the wolf took it, and so asked.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing. He was dead."

I sighed and pushed back my hood, and smiled at him, my sharp teeth prominent under my furry snout, before replying:

"Yes, I suppose it was."

The author publishes short humor under the pen-name Severely Odd. His work is available on Amazon and via Smashwords.