Funny stories in under 500 words.

What the Hell?

funny short story: what the hell


The person chairing the meeting tapped his hooves in irritation.

“We have a problem,” he said.

The demons all nodded, if they had a head.

“We have to sort this out.”

There was a murmur of agreement, with some howls, roars, and oozes of agreement for those who couldn’t quite cope with murmuring.

“Any ideas?” asked the devil, for it was he who was chairing the meeting, even if he felt stupid doing so in a fur coat. “After all, some of you have been here forever. Or at least since time began.”

An ancient shade muttered something.

“What was that Bezelbegog?” the Devil asked sharply.

“I said,” clarified Bezelbegog somewhat grumpily; “that hell hasn’t frozen over before. Not even when the eternal pit of flame went out, and you disembowelled that salesman for lying about the guarantee.”

The devil smiled at the memory, and disembowelled an imp. It made him feel better, and besides, the blood was warm. He then frowned.

“If we don’t sort this out I’ll make all of you eat your own intestines.” He smiled, and all the things which had intestines shrank back in an attempt to make sure they continued to do so. The devil looked around once more. “So, any ideas besides that I gut the lot of you?”

***

In the world of mortal men, things weren’t going too well either.

“Look darling, I can’t afford a pony!”

“But you said I could have one when hell freezes over!”

“I didn’t mean it literally; and besides,” here Mr Tomtom’s voice grew suspicious; “how do you know that hell’s frozen over?”

“Because mum said that Grandad looks like he’s been to hell and back, and they’re still defrosting him.”

“Well he was stuck in an industrial freezer, and besides; it’s just an expression, it doesn’t literally.”

“What about the hoof-marks?”

Mr Tomtom paused.

“Who told you about the hoof-marks?”

His daughter shrugged.

“I just heard about them.”

“Look, there may have been a horse in the freezer with him.”

Laura Tomtom looked her father in the eye.

“Well,” he said, aware all the time that he was making as little sense as the circumstances in which they had found his father-in-law; “maybe a goat. That makes sense. We eat goats; there must be tons of them in the freezer!”

He looked at his daughter imploringly, but all that he got in return was another look.

Mr Tomtom sighed.

“Okay, let’s look for a pony.”

***

In the end it was rather simple. Once he had realised that he’d left an open portal to hell in an industrial freezer, all the devil had to do was close it. Now hell was heating up nicely and his mood was improving with it. True, his favourite demonic beast, a fire-breathing hell-pony had escaped in all the turmoil, but this was not entirely a disaster, as he was sure it could look after itself. After all, there were always plenty of people who wanted a pony.

The author publishes short humor under the pen-name Severely Odd. His work is available on Amazon and via Smashwords.




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