Funny stories in under 500 words.

Trust me, I know this

funny short story: trust me i know this

Hey, I can fix this car, no problem. My dad, he taught me everything there is to know about cars. Trust me, I know this.

My old man, he even had a complete encyclopedia of cars and automobiles. I have read it like a thousand times. I promise you this date can still go nice and easy, baby. Just trust me, ok?

I’ll have this car fixed faster than you can say “kiss me”. Ok, that was actually pretty weird and I feel very ashamed of myself and wonder if you’ll ever talk to me again. I’m really sorry, I don’t mean to scare you or anything. It’s just that I really like you and, well, my car breaking down it’s pretty much killing the mood, if there ever was a mood to begin with. Oh boy, look at me talking 4000 words a minute, I really must be freaking you out right now.

Please, don’t think I’m some kind of lunatic-serial-rapist on the prowl, and this is my M.O., I wouldn’t know where to start. Please, I mean, I can hardly carry a six-pack, how am I going to carry a dead body around in the car? Right? Oh, Fuck! I’m doing it again, Oh, fuck, I just said ‘fuck’, on our first date, and now I’ve said it again , I can’t seem to stop saying ‘fuck’, there I go again, I really need to get the fuck out of my system. Think of it like a mental flush that just takes all the shit away. Because it’s ok to flush, it leaves everything clean, I mean, you don’t want that shit floating around. Oh, fuck. Now I’ve said ‘shit’. And ‘flush’ and ‘shit floating’. I really have a way with words, don’t I?

I’m the sweet-talker type: ‘Lock your pretties, cos’ I’m coming to town’. Maybe I should really just be quiet. Like, really quiet. But, hey, I like you, no kidding. I’m not joking about that. I just wish we had a better time than the one I’m giving you right now. Anyway, lemme take care of this. Don’t go anywhere, I’m just going to check the trunk, see what’s going on. I’m telling you, I know cars, trust me on this one. I know cars like I know women. They both get hot and need some fluids from time to time, not that you need fluids or anything. Look, I’m sorry, this is like the worst date ever and it’s only been going for like five minutes. I’m just going to take a look at this and I’ll take you for a great time. Really. See? Now I’m checking the oil, everything ok; now let’s see the coolant, fine also. The bands seem fine. Then it must be electric. No sweat, I know a shop just a couple of block from here… hey, why are you getting out of the car? I can fix this. Trust me. I have fixed this issue before. Wh…why are you removing your heel and lifting it like that? Please, don’t do anything foolish, I’m just really nervous about dating you. Don’t hurt me, please… oh. Why are you hitting my battery? Girl, stop it! Wha… Oh… Oh I see… the car is running now. Hey, who taught you that? That was really awesome. I…hey, where are you going? Please, don’t leave me here. Ok, so I’ll guess you’ll come back later. I’ll just sit here and wait… or weep, maybe.

Roman R. Orozco (London, 1978) is a writer from Mexico. Has a degree in Communication Studies and a masters degree in Humanities, which enables him to talk about nonsense for hours and get paid for it. He enjoys films and music from all over the world (except reggaeton, he hates the stuff). A year ago he quit his job as a literature teacher and founded with his wife a small company where they do writing, proofreading and translation services. Click here to visit his half-abandoned blog...Hay más cosas >>