The Christmas break

funny short story: the christmas break

Steven hates Christmas.

Sure, he’ll sing a jingle bell, sip a seasonal latte, and send an occasional card. But since he started working, Christmas day has been a huge waste of a holiday.

Days of captivity, trapped in traffic, sleeping in dens of old people, shelling out his hard earned money for little nephews and nieces to get all the good toys.

Christmas was the worst, until three years ago…

Three years ago, Steven had devised a little scheme. Steven began telling his parents that he’d be spending the holiday with his girlfriend’s family; and, naturally, told his girlfriend Ashley that he would be going to his parent’s house.

This left Steven alone, and happy. In 2012, Steven ordered Chinese food and watched the entire series of Harry Potter. It was, a very Harry Christmas. In 2013, Steven decided to go to a strip club using the money he’d saved by avoiding the day of Jesus’ birth. It was, a very uplifting Christmas.

This year, Steven had no girlfriend. So Steven decided to go big with a trip to Brazil. Having not celebrated Christmas for two years, Steven calculated that he’d saved over $4,000 on traveling and gifts. Steven was not good at math.

Having arrived to Rio de Janeiro on Christmas Eve, Steven quickly unloaded his things into the hotel room, and rushed to the beach.

“What the f** do you think you’re doing, Steven?” commanded a big fellow with a white beard and red swimming trunks.

“Uhh, who are you?” sassed Steven, staring into the white hair that covered the man’s body like a light, whisping snow.

“You know who I am Steven. Why are you here? Why aren’t you with your family?” replied the man, lowering his sun glasses revealing two ice blue eyes.

Suddenly, Steven realized it. Between the fuzzy red hat and the shoulder tattoo reading “You should see my other sack,” Steven knew he was talking to Saint Nicolas himself.

“Oh, ermm, I’m just on a vacation,” said Steven.

“I see that, on Christmas, without your family,” said Santa, exaggerating every syllable of family.

“I’ve been watching you Steven. It’s people like you that’s turning this world into sh**.”

Santa shook his head, took a sip of his Pina colada, and began to describe how the world worked. Santa was paid in Christmas Cheer, which covered gifts, the North Pole, all the goodness in the world, and his salary.

“Wait a minute. Shouldn’t you be flying around bringing gifts?” Steven argued.

“Oh please. I outsourced that a while ago. You know with Amazon Prime, you get guaranteed shipping in two days without extra fees, right?”

“So, what exactly do you do?”

“Look, don’t bogged down in the details. Here’s the point. The fewer people celebrating Christmas, the worse off everybody is, capiche?”

Steven clearly wasn’t getting it. Having already revealed too much, Santa grabbed Steven’s head, and broke his neck.

This story was written by David Gregory, creator of this website. Comment with your thoughts below!
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